I’ve never solved a crime nor done anything Facebook worthy
in the realm of law enforcement, unless you count the time I shot a bottle
rocket into our neighbor’s garage, which facilitated my dad finding our “borrowed”
lawnmower. Since Facebook wasn’t around,
I had to actually tell my friends
with my actual voice, but it did turn
into a sort of Facebook post because 80% of my story was completely
fabricated. So, other than that …
nothing. Zilch.
Now, solving fictional crimes on the boob tube, I’m Benedict
Cumberbatch on steroids. I can usually
do it within the first episode of a TV show or the first 15 minutes of a
movie. Yes, I can. It’s true.
My wife hates it. It’s not that I
can see a clue subtly tucked away in the back corner of the screen. There’s no keen sense of detail.
It’s one thing: CASTING.
The Visual
Let me paint a picture for you, but with black words in a
nondescript font on top of a virtual white piece of paper that will hurt your
eyes after a day of gawking at it.
There’s been a murder.
A horrible one. The worst murder
the overweight, veteran cop with one year till retirement has ever seen. The rookie is puking. The killer is someone in the neighborhood.
“Lock down the neighborhood.
Knock on every door, dammit.
Bastard’s here somewhere.”
Two cops go door-to-door interviewing neighbors played by obscure,
no-name actors. Then, they get to the rickety
house at the end of the street. They
knock. Slowly, the door opens and there
he stands.
“What can I do for you, officers?” asks a shifty ROBERT DE
NIRO.
Call it. Search is
over. It’s him. It’s Bobby D.
Explanation
They never cast an unknown as the bad guy. EVER.
It’s always a famous person thrown into a mixing bowl of unknown
actors. Hmmmm. I wonder who killed little Bobby Sherman?
The Red Herring
Sometimes they’ll throw in two well-known actors. Same story as above except one neighbor is De
Niro and the other is an effeminate-acting Chris Meloni. Immediately you know: it’s Chris Meloni. Why? Because
he’s just coming off a long stretch of Law & Order: SVU and wants to branch
out.
“No more tough guys.
I’m sick of it. I did
Shakespeare. This sucks.”
It’s obviously Chris Meloni and De Niro is the red
herring. Called it. End of story.
I’m getting some soup, don’t pause it.
Examples (with
spoilers)
The Killing
Stop reading if you don’t want to know the maniac in The
Killing.
So, we’re watching The Killing where somebody has been
killing runaways for years. Who is
it? We have to find this bastard. Then, who do I see playing the tiny, bit part
of the police sergeant? Why, it’s well-respected,
character actor Elias Koteas. Why would
HE take such a SMALL part in this TV series?
Is he a fan of the show? In over
his head with bookie’s and needs a quick infusion of cash? Or, is
he a sinister psychopath hell-bent on killing teenagers!!!!!
The Bone Collector
Stop reading if you don’t want to know the Seven guy in The
Bone Collector.
Denzel is bedridden.
Broken neck (or back?). His old nemesis
is still out there killing off yuppies in taxi cabs. He’s a brutal bastard and we have to catch
him. Wait a sec’. I’ve seen his home nurse before. Where?
Where? Think, dammit. Ah. He
was in the movie Seven. Wait, isn’t he
also on Friends sometimes? Why would he
take a part with just one line of dialogue?
Seven and Friends straight to “Ok, you’re looking good, Denzel.” There you have it. He’s the killer. He being Leland Orser (who I will always
remember from Seven: “Take it off, man!
Take it off! He made me do it!)
True Detective
Spoiler for True Detective incoming.
A crazy cultist is killing people or is it a bunch of
cultists? There might be just one
lawnmower-riding killer, but who is the leader?
Where does the buck stop? I knew
that very quickly. Woody Harrelson and
Matthew McConaughey are walking through the precinct. They’re randomly introduced to a preacher for
like a millisecond. Wait a second … who
is that guy? I’ve seen him before. Ohh, its Jay O. Sanders from MASH. Alright, I’m heating up a burrito. Don’t pause it. I’m done here.
Why do they do this?
I know it has to do with money and marketing, but seriously ….
c’mon people. Can’t it be a no-name
actor just once? Are there no decent
actors that are capable of playing the psychopath other than veteran New York
character actors?
